Print this page

Happy Birthday from Hell!

Rate this item
(0 votes)

They say that as you get older Birthday’s become more and more of a non-event, this year that was not the case. It can be summed up in the following words “Squeal, Blurp, Wahhhh, Fucken Cat, Smack, blurp-urp-urp”


Squeal, was the sound of Wife A that began the Birthday from hell. It was the night before when one of my best mates came over for dinner. Philbo had been there for a whole 5 minutes and we were having a good old chat while Wife A was putting the kids to bed. Then we heard the squeal and another squeal, then another one. I thought it must be a mouse or something, so I put on my heroic husband hat and walked in to a horror beyond comprehension.

Blurp, that’s the sound of spew and it was everywhere. Ernie was projectile vomiting and turned around to look at me, blah out it came all over the carpet. Wife A was covered from her face to her feet. It covered Kid X’s bed and this meant that Kid X had to stay up until it was all cleaned. Poor Philbo had to play makeshift childcare worker while the rest of us cleaned up.

Wahhhh! I looked over at the clock, it was 5am, Ernie was wide awake and screaming and so was I. He didn’t go back to sleep and neither did I or wife A. He had a birthday present waiting for me in his nappy. Happy Birthday Daddy.

Fucken Cat, that’s the sound of me discovering at 5.10am that our Cat had done a shit in the bathtub. Enough said.

Smack, that’s the sound of a car banging into the rear of our car after dropping off Kid X at Creche. It was only a minor accident but what a pain. So now I was tired and a little bit angry at the birthday gods.

Quirp went my stomach all day as I struggled to fight off a sick feeling. The only time I was ok was during breaky, which I enjoyed with the family and Bucky and Boo.

Blurp-urp-urp, the sound of me vomiting in the toilet at the local RSL during my birthday dinner. Having a birthday chuck is not a new thing for me on my birthday, but this time no alcohol was consumed. Damn you birthday gods, damn you.

Last modified on Monday, 03 June 2013 21:33

Related items (by tag)