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The Truth and 4 tips for the SAHD

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I learnt something about myself and parenting on the weekend. I had to look after Kid X and Ernie for 2 x 5 hour stretches

 

The truth is that parenting on your own is not (well here goes…breathe) fun. There I said it, the truth. It is not that much fun. Sure it has its moments of pure joy and laughter, tears and sadness and happiness (oh no that’s the Suns and Daughter’s theme) but overall the experience is not fun.

 

For a start it’s tiring, very tiring and painful and bad for any males health. I actually pulled muscles in my back after doing this for 2 days (2 half days to be exact). I had to lift and jiggle and lift and jiggle Ernie continuously throughout both of the 5 hour stints. You see the problem with Ernie and me is that Ernie spends a lot of his time on the floor and well I am over 6 ft tall and don’t spend my day anywhere near the floor, so every time I picked him up I had to bend down 6ft and pick him up and then put him back down. Do you think I ever bent my legs, no way I was far to flustered to stop and think and lift.

 

Tip for SAHD number 1: Practice weight lifting at the Gym, especially the jerk move, not the dodgy jerk move but lifting a weight from the ground to the chest in one movement. This is the reason the most famous SAHD RD can enjoy it more than me, he is pretty buff and by all accounts should probably start up a gym session for new SAHDs.

 

My ear drums are also bleeding, actually I think I will have to go to the doctors to get tested for tinnitus after subjecting them to hours (ok it seemed like hours actually only about 30 minutes) of crying and whinging. Wife A has also suffered from tinnitus after she got home. It’s amazing how much whinging a bloke can do in 30 minutes. I think I mentioned the words “little” and “turds” about 17 times each.

 

Tip for SAHD number 2: I suggest a trip to the hardware store to buy some industrial strength protective ear muffs to reduce the risk of tinnitus.

 

Then you have to contend with questions, so many questions, all the time. Kid X “What is procrastination?” I respond with a suitably witty yet age appropriate response. Kid X “why?”. I respond by walking away and bashing my head into the wall repeatedly.

 

Tips for SAHD number 3: Buy a Funk N Wagnall Toddler Encyclopaedia set. I know they probably don’t exist but there is a business idea that will make someone a lot of money. I need the answers to the questions that toddlers ask in simple English with the follow up why answer covered off too.

 

I personally can’t be bothered thinking of any answers anymore, I am officially dumber as a result of being asked so many questions about things that A I don’t know the answer too and B I don’t care to know the answers too.

 

Finally in this series of SAHD tips, this last one relates to Kid X managing to get in the way all the time. She is on me like a great footy tagger, everywhere I went she was right there. Every time I picked up Ernie, there she was darting in front of me, usually tripping over something and starting to cry.

 

Tips for SAHD number 4: Hire an soccer ref to come around and referee your day. I can see it now, Red Card and send off (to hang out with mum) for Kid X and a Yellow card for Ernie within the first 10 minutes. 

Last modified on Monday, 04 February 2013 21:45

2 comments

  • Comment Link Chubba Tuesday, 05 February 2013 19:33 posted by Chubba

    Thanks Kevin,

    Interesting question there and I will consult my toddler version of the Funk n Wagnall Encyclopedia for the answer.

    Report
  • Comment Link kevin Monday, 04 February 2013 23:11 posted by kevin

    Well done mate,

    I'm observing, watching, taking it all in.... and asking why? WHY?

    Report

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