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On the 5th day of Christmas

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On the fifth day of Christmas Aussie Daddy Bloggers gave to me...Weet-Bix's structural integrity. Hey that rhymes I actually am investigating the structual integrity of dried soggy Weet-Bix. The new cement?

Intro:

Many of the members of Aussie Daddy Bloggers did not want this topic. Some would say its fuck’n shit and has as many linkages to Christmas as the Die Hard movies. Some would say this topic is ridiculous and was suggested by someone trying to be funny but there is nothing funny about Weet-Bix, it is a serious food stuff and should be treated with respect. Some say that this topic will only lead to senseless and fanciful ramblings.

Not I, I love this topic. I will let you all in on a secret, I live a double life. Sure you all know me as the incredibly witty other half of the famous radio duo Hamish and… wake up man, Tacklenappy.  But I have a double life I am actually the president of the Weet-Bix Historical Society. Yes that’s right I am into Weet-Bix, and in a big way. You can even follow our society (me, as I am the only member) on facebook and search for "Weet-bix gives me my kicks".  My love for Weet-Bix grew when I spent my PHD year at Harvard investigating the historical relevance of Australia’s favourite cereal. In fact its structural integrity and this notion that it is the new cement formed the basis of my 50,000 word thesis.

Here is a summary of the thesis.

Structure:

Of course many of you science boffins would instantly say what’s the chemical structure and although it has been kept out of the periodic table (for obvious US-militaristic reasons, think x-files ep 7 season 11 “the search for the missing Weet-Bix compound”), I can tell you that, especially when dried and soggy, it is almost identical to cement.  In fact it’s actually stickier and more porous than cement. There is only one thing with a more “stickier” quality than dried and soggy Weet-Bix and that is meconium. You know the stuff that comes out of newborns bums, their first poo. It sets in seconds and only a trowel will remove it from any surface.

History of Weet-Bix:

Some would argue ignorantly that Weet-Bix was invented by Walter “theWeeta Biscuit kid” Biscae in 1856 in the small English village of London. I have researched this and will now set you all straight on its origins.

The Weet-Bix compound was first discovered in ancient roman ruins near Bath, England. A bowl full of 4 Weet-Bix was found right next to a statue of the God of Breakfast “Sani Tarium”. This compound has been secretly carbon dated and found to date back to 2030 BC. There are some theories that Weet-Bix were also enjoyed by the Pharoes of Egypt, however, I don’t believe this to be the case. Although a box of what looks like breakfast cereal is apparently locked up in the British Museum along with many other artefacts from Tutankhamen’s tomb.

Of course Weet-Bix first became noticed by historians when the easily forgotten 4th King followed the star in the East and presented the breakfast of champions to the baby Jesus. During the dark ages, all references to Weet-Bix and the 4th King were removed from scriptures.  This is the subject of Dan Brown’s new book “The 4 kings of cereals”.

Like many things, when the Romans were defeated, many of the civilised aspects of their society were lost and instead of being used as a breakfast cereal, it found its use as a mortar for the construction of dwellings. This followed on from the Inca’s who used this in a similar way. Once again there has been secret testing of Inca remains and, well let’s just say they are more Weet than Bix if you know what I mean (I don’t).

Weet-Bix was next mentioned in the middle ages, when King Arthur pulled the sword out of the stone, it was not stone, it was the Weet-Bix compound. The Weet-Bix compound was used extensively during this time period. So much so that it actually once caused a witch to be burnt at the stake. She was licking the walls of her neighbour’s mud hut and eating the delicious gooey Weet-Bix mortar, when she was noticed by the clergy and put on trial. She tried to argue it was edible but was told she was a sorcerer and put to death.

Of course then there was the French revolution, apparently started because of the discovery of a new weet biscuit meal eaten by the king and aristocrats regularly in the morning.This sent the locals over the edge and rest is history as they say. This event saw the reinvention of the morning meal Break (the neck) Fast and Weet-Bix as a staple in French households from then on.

It was used heavily by the British after the great fires as many building materials were difficult to get their hands on. This was the last time that any reference is made to it being used as an alternative to cement, although there are rumours that the spruce goose used it as an adhesive.

Most recently it was mentioned in that awesome history movie Back to the Future 2, where Doc used a Weet-Bix to fire up the Delorian instead of uranium, evidence once again of its futuristic capabilities.

Culture:

 

When really considering the strength of Weet-Bix, we need to look at the cultural impacts of this Aussie breakfast on Aussie  Breakfasts. They say that Australia was built on the sheep’s back (more likely NZ was), however I don’t think this is doing Weet-Bix justice. After all, we built this great land of ours on the back of the proverbial Weet-Bix. I have noticed the Weet-Bix boxes are also driving our country with many people seeming to have gotten their license on the back of a Weet-Bix packet. Weet-Bix makes our country excel, win the cricket, soccer and Olympics and also helps dads get through a tough day of kid looking aftering. 

 

I wonder how many Weet-Bix Julia and Tony do? I reckon they serve it in the lodge. If they don’t, they bloody better start. That mummy blogger thing at the lodge should have seen each blogger being served up a couple of Weet-Bix in milk as they walked in the place. Weet-Bix = Great ideas. Alright don’t get too excited, breathe, Weet-Bix = ok ideas, but every one of these ideas is a nation building idea.

 

Weet-Bix is the compound, the cement that holds our nation together, that builds us into the nation we are and holds it up the top above other non Weet-Bix eating nations. Weet-Bix is too right, you beaut, she’s apples, bloody fantastic and if you can’t use it as a cement replacement at least it tastes good and helps keep you regular. Try scoffing down two concrete biscuits and see how much that hurts in a couple of days.  

 

Conclusion:

It’s a great topic and, well, I have been using Weet-Bix as an alternative for cement myself for home repairs for the past 10 or so years and it’s great, although it does have an issue with animals wanting to eat it. Also it doesn’t seem to set very well and is covered in mold which affects the taste and colouring of the Weet-Bix but maybe if you are keen to give it a try you will love it as I do.   YES SOGGY DRIED WEET-BIX IS THE NEW CEMENT and is awesome, although it is hard to clean off the bowl if you don’t rinse it straight away.

Last modified on Tuesday, 18 December 2012 20:10

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